"I don't know if I want my food cooked inside a big, anthropomorphic, gay oven." -Me

"Yeah,  I don't want it splooging it's oven love juices all over my sandwich." -My Brother

 I don't like talking on the phone or anything but no one has called me in two weeks. Maybe more. I don't have any friends in town right now so I spend every day by myself. I have a job serving ice cream. It's not hard. I still think about Daniel all the time. Which I know says more about me than it does about him. But I know that spending every day by myself wouldn't matter if I was still talking to him. And that's what upsets me. That he controlled my happiness so completely.

But aside from that, I've got nothing to do. I watched all of the second season of Californication which was good. I'm watching the Golden Girls right now. 

"Defying Gravity" from Wicked was playing somewhere the other day and I was listening to the lyrics and I wanted to cry. I just don't have any purpose. I want to feel like that. To hell with everyone else, this is what I believe in. There are things i feel strongly about, maybe I should get more involved in them. I'm just sick of this irrational feeling I have that there will never be another Dan in my life. Which is not true, I know. But it was the first time I REALLY liked someone and it just blew up in my face so completely.

God I'm miserable. 

I want some lemonaid.

 And on top of all this SHIT, I got my first rejection letter today. Honestly, I don't even know why I applied there. They made their decision on the 28th. The exact day Daniel (the guy) told me he didn't want to talk to me anymore. Brilliant.

This is shaping up to be the worst summer of my life. But don't feel too sorry for me, I got into the school I wanted to go to. So, there's that. 

Honestly, what sucks the most about this whole Daniel thing is, maybe I've mentioned this, I regret even telling him how I felt. He was a valuable friend to have and also I loved talking to him. I wish we could still just be friends. But alas. Them's the breaks. 

My sadness comes and goes in waves. I don't feel too bad right now but when I start to remember things he's said to me or how I excited I was that he was event talking to me (let alone, flirting with me), that's when I start to get a little upset.

Nothing a House marathon can't fix though. But House was also his favorite show. And technically it was House that ended the relationship because we made a bet about how the finale would go and that's what led to the e-mail that made him ignore me for two weeks. THOUGH, we would have never met if it weren't for House either. That was what we first started talking about. Full circle, I suppose. But, surprisingly, it hasn't ruined the show for me. If anything, I feel like the show is the best friend I have, as dependable as it is. It's always there when you need it.

Honestly, I can't wait to get to where I'm going. I can't decide if this experience has made me NEVER want to have feelings for anyone again or if it makes me want to love someone else as soon as possible just to forget. I think that's a pretty typical feeling. I have no idea though.

I wonder if he thinks about me. Doubt it. I wonder what I'll be doing a year from now. Honestly, I'm almost glad this happened. I think it's preparing me for the possibility of being alone for a long time. I'm not expecting anything anymore. I don't expect anyone to love me ever and I don't know what kind of person would. I'm not trying to be self-deprecating, I just can't picture it, is all I'm saying. I can't see it happening, so I don't expect it to happen. So maybe I won't be disappointed when it doesn't? Who knowwws. 

I wish I had a time machine. So I could fix all this Daniel stuff but also so I could show my little brother some dinosaurs. He loves those things.

 I miss talking to him. So badly. 

 I'm starting to feel a little better already. Putting things in perspective, sure maybe we could have talked for a few more months if I hadn't "offended" him in whatever mysterious way that I did. And if I hadn't come out and said how I felt. But it never would have turned into what I wanted it to be. And I think I would have felt that heartbreak later. And it's better to form some more positive associations with my transfer to california (that I will be undertaking in September) and I think, ultimately I'm glad this guy won't have any part in it. I will miss him. Dearly. But I'm trying to think ahead. And even if isn't for the best that this happened, it can't be all bad. And who knows, maybe I'll run into him one day. And hopefully I will be dating someone hot at the time. Haha, look at me. This experience has really turned me into a girl. I don't think I was one before, not completely. Ugh. My paid account went away because i'm neglectful. Will I get all my icons back if I purchase it again? If not, I won't even do it. All I do is hang out in the huddy forum anyway. It's not like I do all that much journaling. 

Oh also, he didn't respond to the e-mail I sent earlier today. I was foolish in sending it. But what's done is done. And I am SERIOUSLY PRAYING that tonight can be the first night since the incident that I won't start screaming and crying. Please, please, please. I just want to SLEEP. I'm TIRED. Ugh. I'll keep you posted, LJ, on the roller coaster ride that is my emotions. Seriously if I lose any more sleep over this, I will just die. Of not getting enough sleep.

 Also, I got rid of my facebook. You know, to avoid every status being about this. And having to unfriend him. And- well, I hate facebook anyway. Maybe I'll get it back some day. When I'm really bored.

 Update: I made an idiot of myself. Of course I did. 

I'd give you the full story but honestly, I don't feel like rehashing anymore. But I'll try and sum it up. I met this guy, we were friends, he sent him this stupid e-mail. He said the e-mail, though it was unintentional, upset him and that he "lashed out" and "reacted drastically" to it (IE: Ignoring me for two weeks) because it touched on something he has a "deep deep problem with". I don't know what it was. I think he has trouble opening up to people, I don't know. On top of that, he "can't reciprocate" my feelings. He doesn't think we should talk anymore. But in all fairness, not talking was originally my idea, although I took it back later (he didn't).

But what sucks most of all, is that I wouldn't have said of that if I knew this would happen. I lost a friend. And not just a friend, someone who made me laugh. Like seriously laugh. On a regular basis. He's funny. He's actually a comedy blogger at a pretty popular website. I don't want to betray his privacy by saying which one, let alone who he is, but honestly, I can't stand my life right now. Like, I'm sitting here, and I have nothing to do but wait until I don't feel this way anymore. But I don't want to stop feeling this way because I feel like he's worth it. He was smart. SO smart. If all it took was for me to get on my hands and knees and beg him to give me a chance, I would do it. 

I just sent him an e-mail. Promising that it is the last I will ever send him. I hope it is. I half expect to get an e-mail that says "don't respond to this" or "please stop talking to me". In which case, I'll just die. Honestly, not only would he not like me back, he would find me annoying. That would be hell. Great. Now I'm wishing I never sent it in the first place. Why do I do this to myself? I do crazy things on a whim and then talk myself into believing it was the worst thing I could have possibly done.

This hurts. Last year, I didn't get the part in the crucible I wanted..... I was about to say that didn't compare to how I feel now but I don't know actually. I reacted to that pretty badly. But it wasn't just not getting the role, it was not being able to participate in something I looked forward to for six years. And now I'm totally fine about it, of course, as I will be fine about this next year. Not if I keep bugging him though. I need to leave him alone. Fortunately I've only known this guy for three months so it shouldn't take that long to fully get over. But right now. GAWD. seriously ouch. Two nights in a row, I started doing this thing where i start crying at midnight and by one, I'm silently screaming. IT IS CRAZY. I like to laugh at people like this. Please, have a laugh at my expense because I deserve it. This behavior is unacceptable.

I think my problem is that I regret everything I do anyway, without people telling me that I sent an unintentionally offensive e-mail. So now I regret that times a thousand. like, I would sell my soul to the devil to take that back. That's how much I regret it. I knew it was a dumb e-mail anyway. I thought about not sending it. But I did. Though, who could have anticipated his nut job reaction? Not me, that's for sure. But here's the kicker, I don't CARE that he's nuts. I would put up with his nuttyness all day long for the rest of my life, I would. Ugh. When we first met, he said I would drive him cray (jokingly). That's kind of ironic, isn't it? 

 I told someone I had feelings for them today. They didn't feel the same. And he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore because I had offended him "unconsciously".

I want to die. 

But don't worry, I'd be too scared to ever do anything about it. 

 Dear New Friend,

THANK YOU For replying to my e-mail FINALLY. I was waiting with bated breath (Seriously. You should have smelled it. It was definitely bated). And THANK YOU for making it so clear you have better things to do than talk to me, what with your concise, self-contained answers that do not warrant a response. I am seriously too young and too fragile to hear that you don't want to talk to me anymore and I'm afraid I might actually throw myself down the stairs in my dorm (there are only a couple so I'd have to go down a couple times) if you had actually been an adult about this! You are seriously looking out for me, man! 

Love,
Your One-month Soul Mate!

Dear New Friend,

We have so much in common (House, Dr. Horrible's Sing-along blog)! And, of course, you are hilarious and never fail to make grape soda come out of my nose in fits of laughter. I know you have an adult job and lots of adult responsibilities, and my wide-eyed child demeanor needs talking down to in order to fully understand the radiant glow of your fast-paced, real-world, work force life-style. And you work hard too! All night sometimes! And anyone who works their alloted hours from nine to five, are lazy slackers! You've taught me so much. And of course, you're a man with needs! And it is silly of me, a naive 19-year-old to think that you would want something other than me naked. I'm sorry I couldn't comply with your needs. Or that I was too boring and wanted to talk about unimportant things like life and writing and people. Silly me. So it is no wonder that you, all of sudden, out of the blue, started ignoring me. It is my fault, and for that I am truly and DEEPLY apologetic. 

Sincerely,
Your Naive 3-Week BFF

 I don't really like writing in this journal. I think it's because I don't like feeling lumped together with the thousands of people who blog about nothing and think the world needs to hear what they have to say. I remember I used to say "I suppose I'm not different," all the time. Like, I'd say "everyone is an asshole. I suppose I'm no different." or "everybody smells weird. I suppose I'm no different." I think it's because, everybody thinks they're so unique and special, and I like to think that I'm not. I like to think that because, ironically, it makes me different. I don't like to pretend that the thoughts I think have never been thought of or that the things I say haven't even been said. I'm original in unoriginality. When I write things for class. I like to sound colloquial. I don't want to use ten words when five will do. 

But other times when I write, mostly for an assignment, it's like I am painting. And I have no idea what I'm painting. But it's enough to just put the paint on the paper. 

I like words. The way they sound. Sometimes. Other times, I don't care. I just say things. And I chew on my words like legos. 

I should go or I'll be late for my study group. Test tomorrow, you know.

  I just watched the lamest clip of the factor I think I've ever seen. And in this clip, it wasn't Bill O'Reilly being the ass... for ONCE. He had some guest on who has some kind of credentials, I'm sure, claiming that a Cheerio's add is sexist. It's the one where the man asks his wife if she's trying to lose weight because she's eating Whole Grain Cheerio's... which is a dumb question anyway. Who says that? "Oh I noticed you're drinking a diet coke, do you think you're fat?" Nobody says that. Anyway, the man stumbles around while the wife kind of gives him a hard time. So the guy on the Factor claims that this is sexist and is portraying men as week and little girls look at that and say "I don't want that man raising my children" and they grow up and continue the trend of having children out of wedlock. Seriously. He said that.

Before I continue though I must admit, when I saw the commercial I did think "why are they portraying marriage like this? Men walk on eggshell's around their chunky wives or the wife will get all PMS and bite his head off." And I thought the commercial was annoying, as I do most commercials. But this guy was just ridiculous. He claimed that you couldn't reverse the roles and have a man telling his wife to shut up for talking about his weight (while in the actual commercial, the man tells himself to shut and the woman agrees), that that would be wrong.

Now when I read this headline, I thought "whaaat? they're complaining that this ONE cheerios commercial is sexist towards men? What about every household cleaning product targeted towards women?" Seriously, there is so much sexism in marketing it's unreal. And the commercials where the men are the ones fixing things around the house so only they need to go to home depot. Or the commercials where the men want a new TV and have to practically beg their wives for it because women don't watch TV they just clean shit up and sit in their bathtubs taking big wiffs of their Glade Plug-ins (which for some reason, they feel the need to lie about).
But the man on the Factor had another thing to complain about. The Dorito's commercial where the man throws the snowglobe at his boss's crotch. That commercial was actually hilarious and not because of the lame slapstick "MYBALLSHURT" humor but because of the "will we have free Dorito's in the office today?". Too funny.  Anyway, the man said if you "reverse the role's" and have a woman getting a snow globe thrown at her crotch or a wife afraid of her husband, you'd never see it on TV. But I'll tell you something, when I see those commercials I don't really see a man afraid of a woman or a man getting hit in the crotch, I see people. It did not occur to me that the man being pelted in the crotch was a man and that it was sexist and GOD forbid there be a commercial out there that portrays men, MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE, as being not as strong as a woman. It's not like women have been portrayed as the weaker sex for hundreds of years or anything...

There's a weird stain on my bedsheet.

My room smells funny.

I don't think I've ever really enjoyed being alive.

I said something stupid in class today.

I got caught rolling my eyes at someone's inane conversation today. Ugh.

People are boring.

I can't see myself being a mother.

 Well, I have NEVER been so excited to be American. I remember when Gillian Anderson started talking with a british accent randomly, I felt kind of inadequate being American (I was 13). Well, no longer! Congratulations America, we did it! I'm so proud of us.

 

 ( Part three )

 

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 It's that special time of year again! There's tinsel lining the glass display windows, red and green light bulbs tangled up in the tree branches, and then there's the music. The trumpeting, bell jingleing, jolly music that croons out of speakers in every store and festive household. It's the time of year, when families, after muddling through the year like robots, gather together to bicker and argue and roll there eyes as they smile with no teeth showing and their fly unzipped after just snarfing down a whole turkey.

This used to be my favorite time of year. Mostly I liked what any kid likes around christmas: getting stuff. And the anticipation of getting stuff was what really rang my bell. Eli and I used to make a countdown a whole month before christmas and then cross of the days with big, triumphant, red X's as if to say one less day standing in the way of all the shit we were gonna get and all the Nat King Cole we were going to put on repeat and all the wrapping paper we were going to be swimming in by day's end.

I don't know what it is now. Maybe it's that my parents divorce doesn't excitedly mean "two christmases!" anymore, as opposed to "i feel guilty for not spending more time with you, dad." Maybe it's that I'm 19 and am slowly beginning to realize that even the joy of receiving copious amounts of sought after toys and technologically advanced doodads is an transitory high and just a distraction from the rest of the not-christmas days we have to endure. Maybe it's that I have barely left my house since I've been home.

Regardless of the reason, I now sit here in my Obama t-shirt and my too-small small underwear with the surfing bears on them feeling, for the first time, the lack of christmas spirit. Any unhappiness I feel in my life today, I can attribute to very specific causes. I know every single reason why I'm not a jolly person. But isn't the nature of christmas, to triumph over all of that? Somehow, I can't manage it. In the movies, people's family's always assert themselves into their lives and they kick and scream at first but by the end, they learn the value of familial love and blah blah blah. My family's content to let me be a hermit, only stopping to occasionally make me feel guilty about it. But my life basically goes uninterrupted. I spend my days gurgling for air as I drown in my bedsheets and the red imprint of the criss-cross fibers in the couch cushions is permanently stamped into my ass.

I don't like doing the dishes. Who likes doing the dishes? But everybody's gotta do them at some point. But I will do just about ANYTHING to avoid having to do dishes. Anything. I would lay out in the snow and get hypothermia in order to avoid doing the dishes. I would might start doing them, but it won't be long before I slice my fingers on a dirty kitchen knife like that episode of OZ where one of the inmates cuts himself on purpose while on kitchen duty... though I think our motives are different.

I hate dishes.  

 So it's been a hot minute since I've posted. And there's a reason for it: I'm lazy. 

My head hurts. Ouch.